Knowing what to do.
When someone you know passes away, your first instinct is to offer encouragement, help, and support to those affected — but you may not be sure what to say or do.
It’s okay to feel this way. We are here to help you answer any questions you might have about the grieving process.
Does it matter what I wear? Can I bring the children? What should I say to the family of the deceased? When should I visit? Perazzo Funeral Home offers guidance on the proper etiquette of visitations and funerals, so you’ll feel more comfortable and prepared for attending services.
What to say
It can be difficult to know what to say to the family of the deceased to express your sympathy. To begin, offer your condolences to the family. If you are comfortable, share a memory of the deceased. In this difficult time, sharing the joy of the deceased’s life can help comfort the bereaved. For example, “I was so sorry to hear of Mary’s passing. She was always such a wonderful friend to me.”
What to wear
In general, when attending a memorial service or funeral, when possible, dress in subdued colors, such as dark blues, grays, browns, and black. Try to dress simply and conservatively. Men are encouraged to wear a jacket and tie or sport Jacket, while women should choose either a dress or a suit. You are more acutely aware of who you are paying your sympathies too, so use your best judgement for the occasion.
When attending a funeral or a service, do your best to be on time. Try to enter the facility as quietly as possible. If there are no ushers present, remember that the first few rows of seats are usually for the immediate family and close friends. Acquaintances should appropriately seat themselves in the middle or towards the rear.
When to visit
Immediately upon learning of a death, it is appropriate for family and close friends to go to the home of the bereaved to offer sympathy and support. This can be a very overwhelming time for a family. Offering to assist with child care, food preparation, receiving visitors, or service preparations can provide immense comfort during this difficult process.
The funeral home is the best place to visit the family to offer your condolences, as they are prepared for visitors at these services.
Sending flowers is a wonderful way to express your sympathy to the family of the deceased, and can bring comfort in a difficult time. Flowers are a meaningful gift that can be enjoyed during and after the funeral service.
Floral arrangements and plants can be sent to the funeral home to be present at services, or sent to the home of the family directly.
What not to say
Try not to give comments that minimize the loss, such as “It’s probably for the best, because he was suffering too much,” or “I’ve been in your shoes myself.” These will not provide comfort to the bereaved
Wait for the family to discuss the cause of death. Do not bring it up yourself.
If the gathering is large
Visitations can be very emotional, especially when speaking with the family of the deceased. If there is a line to speak with the bereaved and view the casket, be conscious of keeping the line moving. After passing through the line, be sure to stand to the side to continue conversation, or allow the family member to continue to greet guests. The family will often be more available to speak following the conclusion of the service.
Mobile phone use
Smart phones should be turned off or silenced completely during the service. Checking your phone is noticeable and is a distraction to those who are trying to pay their respects. If you must return a message or receive a call, exit the service quietly.
Allowing a child to attend a memorial or funeral service can help them say goodbye to a friend or loved one. It is important to not force a child to go, but instead encourage them to share in this tribute with the rest of the family. Before attending, help prepare them by explaining what they might see at the service.
This can be a very draining time for a family. The gift of food is a kind gesture that the family will deeply appreciate and help alleviate the stress of funeral planning and mourning.
Remembering children in the family is a thoughtful gesture, as this is often a difficult time for them as well. A small gift like a stuffed animal or a book is best.
Time is precious. Helping with household tasks ease the family’s burden. Caring for pets, driving children to school, running errands, or helping around the house are wonderful ways to help the family.
"The staff was very attentive to our needs and requirements especially since our needs kept changing."
"They made our family and friends feel at home and cared for us more than anyone expected. Their staff took photos of all the flowers and the gift cards so I could know what I was thanking people for. This was a great help. Everyone was very courteous and professional, but also compassionate."
"They reached out to the recommended florist to ensure I received excellent service. They handled every detail with class, style and understanding. This is an amazing organization that did everything perfectly and helped me significantly at a very difficult time."